Sunday, 14 August 2011

Exposing my breasts to a 4 year old.

I have been inundated with requests to do another blog entry...well about 6 people. But still, they were clearly just speaking on behalf of the silent millions. As usual I have nothing of interest to say. My cat, Pythagoras, is asleep next to me, he makes some weird noises. I'm sure he just miaowed my name. Oh God, I have become a cat twat. I should move away from cat observations. Onto, erm, other really interesting things. As always.

I went for another catchy title, although I am concerned that I seem to be developing a theme, maybe that means that my lifes theme is breasts. And my own breasts too. Does that mean my life theme know, because we all have a life theme tune, its totally an actual going to be something like 'Brimful of Asha'? Ew. I can't think of any other boob songs. I don't want that to be my life theme tune. Maybe it could just be 'By Golly Vicky is awesome (more awesome than you)' by Rohyplol.

Anyway, onto the mammaries. Ha. Like memories, only you know, MAMMARIES. This actually made me do a COL (chuckle out loud). I have been having acupuncture as I have slipped discs. You probably don't know about my bad back and spinal surgery as I really don't like to complain. I keep all my woes to myself. I'm so brave. OH THE HORRIFIC PAIN. Anyway, weirdly it's working, I don't believe all the chi shit and channel clearing etc but the pain has been better since I started. The only thing is the visits are always a little, well, weird.

The acupuncture takes place in the house of the acupuncturists, and they have two children. The other day I was lying on the bed, naked, face down, stupid whale music playing and needles in my back (I have to stay like that for about 30 minutes) when I hear the acupuncturists screaming their child's name. I didn't think too much of it, other than it is the least relaxing thing ever, but then I hear a little voice from beside me saying "Its ok Mummy, I'm just looking at the naked lady". I turn around and there is a 4 year old staring at me whilst shoving a giant potato into his mouth. I can proudly say I was the first breasts, other than his Mothers, that this young boy got to see. I think I have ruined wanking for him.

Everyone was horrified and I made awkward jokes which made it all a bit worse. Not as bad as when I met their Nan (yeah that's right, extended family hang out there too, I'm like an adopted member of the family now, only I pay to hang out with them and I have to take my clothes off). I commented on how the children looked a lot like their father (the guy that does the acupuncture on me) and she said how they had been worried at first that he wasn't the Father but the likeness is uncanny in both the children so it can't be denied now. I love a good public airing of ones laundry. This was followed by one of the kids getting covered head to toe in white paint. "Look Dad, I got it in my mouth". Its like a sitcom.

I went to Rebellion Festival last week, I'm still recovering from it, which is pretty pathetic. I didn't realise that 5 days of drinking could give you what appears to be a slow lingering death. I did consider writing a bit of a review for each day but I am kinda lazy. Plus I am saddened to say that I can't remember any of the bands on the Thursday from about 8pm. So Thursdays review would be a bit thin. It would mostly be a review of the ambiance in the smoking area. Madonna keeps coming up on shuffle, its a nice mix...Bad Brains, Madonna, Exploited, Madonna....Common Rider and Madonna are the perfect combination, it was a natural progression from 'Like a Virgin' to 'Prison Break'.  I'll make it a mash-up.

Maybe I should write about the riots, but I think a child accidentally seeing me naked is much more relevant. Its an analogy. I was erm, London, and the child was the rioters, and it was shit and all, but what do you expect when you put a naked woman in an unlocked room...that works, right? God I'm political.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Nipple Slip

I figured I would open with a catchy title in order to draw the attention of the millions that are bound to be reading this blog. Its all downhill from now.

I did actually just expose my nipple though. I am hoping my over-eager neighbour didn't see, it might give him the wrong impression. I am typing this in my garden, this means I can't actually see my laptop screen being as it is brighter than the sun out here. Fuck knows what I am typing.

Listening to loud music, sitting in the sun and reading a good book is the way all days should be spent. If only I could erase the sunburn and blistered forehead. I burn far too easily, blistered foreheads are pretty cool though, maybe I could pretend it was from saving people from a house fire. Although that suggests I have a protruding forehead.I really am quite gifted at writing nothing. I quite literally type what spews out of my head. I think I should be a professional writer for a newspaper like The Daily Mail. I would be awesome. I could come up with catchy headlines such as 'Immigrants to blame for everything' and then discuss two unrelated issues such as 'unemployment' and 'rape' and then link it back to brown people or something. I would be a brilliant racist.

My God its hot. I knew a racist that was a sunbed Queen, surely trying to change your skin colour goes against the racist way? Racism is clearly a complex issue.

I should probably stop typing now, I have managed to type a few paragraphs of utter drivel. What the hell do people write in blogs?! Maybe I should start writing poetry? Or share some of my wonderful song lyrics?

A snippet from the Rohyplol classic 'We Want Our Stuff Back'.

They steal our money and our women and our jobs.
We want our stuff back.

Its an anti-racism song....people never seem to get that though....

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Facebook Woman

There are two flies in my living room. They keep flying around my head and buzzing. Its irritating.

Best first blog ever.

I also need a wee.

I wonder if my blog entries will get better after this one? I doubt it.

I have had an idea to raise money for a charity. Specifically for my friend Natalie (or Twatalie as I call her), she needs an egg doner and the whole procedure is very expensive. Anyway, would it work?

Has anyone ever read 'Diceman'? Well I am going to be 'Facebook Woman', I will do whatever facebook (that is the people on my friends list not the actual website itself) tells me to do, providing it will not harm others or get me arrested. So people give me requests, from time of day I have to leave my bed, to what I eat and do etc. And they sponser me. And they have to contribute money for suggestions.

Is this a stupid idea? Wanna sponsor me?